a Single's Story

I used to see myself like Bridget Jones in the movie ‘Bridget Jone’s Diary’. Overweight, clumsy, with a tendency to creating blunders in public places and very single. Single to the extend my dad worried that I might be sufferring from some kind of commitment-phobic problem - heheh.

I spent the entire secondary school and matriculation years being single. Had few boys hitting on me, had few crushes myself, but all were kept inside. I remember I had this thinking, that once I step my feet in university I will found someone. As simple as that. But again, the whole 5 years in university were spent not much different from the previous years. Me, the single girl. Time flies real fast, perhaps the timing was not right. Maybe it was not the right person. All sorts of reason comes to mind. All kind of excuses came when ppl questions about my singlehoodness.
“ nak tunggu sampai umur berapa..?”
“ aikk..single lagi..?? …”
“ Bila lagi nak tukar status nih..?”
And most were accepted with the same response “..nanti adelah.."

I had for a few times, thought that I had found the person. That this might be the one. But then, it just didn’t lead to anywhere more than friends. Along the way, suddenly you didn’t feel right inside. There'll be a reason that'll make your heart stop jumping with joy, and your mind begin making real serious thinking about that person, whom just few weeks ago you have almost said yes to. And there were also the guy who i've waited and waited stupidly, thinking that maybe it's the time factor that was holding things from moving forward. When the right time comes, it will happen. How naive and silly i was. What a waste of time and energy spent thinking of him.

And i can remember the image of me, looking from the window in my room at couples sitting together on a bench, wondering to myself, " what do couples talk about..?". I remember the chat i had with friends about heart matters. The helpful friends who paired me with A, introduced me to B, and friend who wants me to be their 'kakak ipar'. All were accepted with a polite gesture of " no, thank you " or .." ermm, thank you ..actually, it's not that i dont want to, it's just ..i dont feel like i want to, i mean..i want to ..but not like that..i mean.." Bleahh.

And my parents, the ever-worrying father who in my final year of university, began teaching me how to talk to guys, in other word how to flirt. ( believe it , ppl ...he really went all out tutoring his' blurr' daughter). Recalling his common lectures about 'fitrah manusia dijadikan berpasangan' and the myth that 'jodoh tak perlu dicari tapi dtg sendiri'. Brushing it away with his words"..kalau macam tu, tak perlulah kita bangun pagi setiap hari. Duduk aje bersila atas kerusi tunggu jodoh yang Tuhan tentukan tu sampai..". And my mom, who is like always more relaxed and quiet, but would insert a line or two as i sit with her in the kitchen. About cycle of human's life, how from kids, we become adults, and have kids ourselves bla bla. And the list continues.

Being single has its own perks. I'm not saying this to comfort the singletons, but because i have experienced being single until the age of 24, so let say i'm quite an expert hehe. The freedom of being with myself, do what i want to do, go where my feet wish to bring me. So used to going out alone, hopping on LRTs and busses, sitting by myself in fast food restaurants and going for movies with no one next to me but a complete stranger ( still do that eheh ). Enjoying every minute of it. Spend hours in Borders until my mouth feel dry, window-shopping alone until my feet hurts and return home feeling a satisfaction beyond words. And being single with no partners to bring to dinners or functions, we formed a group of 'single girls' who book one table and have fun taking pictures and wolfing down food till the last bit. When other couples go for dates during weekends, i go out with my girl friends, roaming the entire Kl, going to Jalan mAsjid India to Petaling Street from morning till dark. Had a blast of time.

Plus, the freedom to meet and make new friends, esp singles. The ability to choose possible suitors among the pursuers. The early process of getting to know a person and vice versa. The things that only single ppl are allowed, flirting without having the guilt.(..look who's talking, the girl who learns to flirt at the age of 24 ). Knowing that you are not attached to anyone seriously, and not emotionally dependant on anyone but yourself. It's a great feeling, really. It makes you feel so independant and free.

But when you reach a certain age, your views about certain things changed. Your feelings and emotions evolved. Your physical appearance transformed from someone who doesn't know how to balance herself on high-heels to someone who knows the difference between types of eye-liner. I guess it happens naturally to most of us. But to some people, they need to be awakened from their deep slumber to realise that some changes in life need to be made in order to grow up. And then we'll feel it coming, the wanting to have someone other than your girl friends. It was within this changing phase that I found him.

Heh, I’m still the klutz who tripped over chair-leg, banged into things and dropped the end of my tudung on a plate of nasi with kuah, but I’m a grown woman now. Who can happily tell my life stories, from a single know-nothing blurr girl to a woman who’s counting days to the new phase which she’s about to enter. I have enjoyed the life of a single, and now I can’t wait to embark on a new journey with him.

So to all singletons…don’t fret about not finding the one yet. Keep praying, the person’s out there. Maybe just around the corner, waiting for the right time when he/she will emerge and change your life forever. Sounds too good to be true ehh, heh.. but it’s possible. And it sure happens in real life ;].

hardworking = sexy

Once, there is this tagging thingey which usually circulated from blog to blog, presented me with this question, " Name 7 qualities that you like in a man". I remember taking some time to think of the most honest answer, i closed my eyes and imagined what is it in a man that appeals to my eyes. An image appeared, a vision of a man who is seriously concentrating on whatever task he is doing in front of him, his eyebrows furrowed deep like he's thinking hard. So focused into his work. So deeply engrossed. Quietly working on the task before him. Determined to complete any job assigned in the most-accomplished way possible.

And then i realised that ever since school, i find myself drawn to admire the boy who sits at his desk, quietly finishing his work. Barely ever heard his voice. Shadowed by other popular boys who walk macho-ly in groups. But this boy, the quiet, hardworking boy was the one i find myself staring at.

What had triggered me into pondering, thinking and now writing about this? The sudden realisation that hardworking man are attractive. To me, i mean. Not in a lustful way, if that's what you ppl are thinking. But in an admiring-respecting sort of way. The cause of it, my encounter with two men. One, is the techinican who tinted the window-pane in my clinic. And the other one is the man who snap my passport photos in the 50-yrs old photo studio. Both share the same quality, they strived for perfection. Walk fast, as if every second matter. Their face wore the same expression, a quiet determination. Talk less, work more. They remind me of one of my Chinese friend in uni. I remember him, in spite of his not-very-good command of Malay and English languages ( he came from Chinese-educated background), he's a joy to talk with. Helped me with my notes, willing to spend time helping me working on my dentures. Once, he tells me his future plan, all mapped out in terms of years. His 5-yrs plan. His 10-yrs plan. Hardworking, with visions. I know he will be a successful man one day.

What makes hardworking man seems utterly man-ly. The willingness to stretch their ability to the limit. The wanting to challenge their potential to the maximum. The perspiration forming on their forehead, neck and shoulders, wettening their shirt. The seriousness they display, not wanting to settle to anything less than their very best. They take pride in the work they do, they value the end-products of the effort they put in. 'Bekerja dengan tulang empat kerat' says the old Malay adage. Knowing that hard work and perseverance maketh a man.

Recalling myself observing the technician at work, meticulously putting the black-tint paper in correct position. And later he stood admiring his work,a silent proud on his face. His job might seem nothing to some people's eyes, but he sure is proud of it. And tried his best to make the best job he could.

It's not the six-pack abs that matters. Not the mushy, love words that are said but not meant. And certainly not the tall, dark and handsome man but walks with head high in arrogance. At the end of the day, a woman seeks someone she feels most protected and safe with. Someone who she knows is willing to work hard for a decent living. Someone whom she will later depend on, trusting her future in his hand.


See, it’s not that hard to impress a woman ehh? ;]

infidelity

I’m seething with anger …=[

Know what I despise most? Infidelity. I feel nothing but contempt to people who are disloyal to their partner. People who commit adultery. All good opinions about that person dissolve entirely. And what’s left are my enormous hate and disrespect.

Don’t know why I was so enraged after hearing it. Suddenly I feel my eyes blurring with tears, more because of anger to the heartbreakers than pity to the hurt. If the men were there, I don’t know what I’d do. All sorts of visions played in my mind, things I imagined doing to the deceiving guys, who had for months lie discreetly about their ugly affairs. The image of me slapping hard on his face. Me, staring at his eyes with disgust, and when he ask what i was staring at, I’ll reply nonchalantly “…naah, just examining a specific type of jerk ”. But what I wanted to do most was shout at the top of my lung to his face “..you stupid, ungrateful two-timer !!”.


I’ve repeated millions of time, over and over again. In my blog. To my friends. That when you have committed yourself to another person, be loyal. Be truthful. To that special someone. Especially to your own spouse whom you have bind yourself to under the name of God. If you think you are incapable of doing that, by all means refrain from getting involved seriously with any human being until you are sure that you are able to. If you don’t think you can focus your uncontrollable lust to only one person, don’t even dream of getting married yet, you’re just adding shame to your own kind. And stop using excuses like, “ we can’t help it, we have 9 akal and 1 nafsu..blabla..” Bleaahhh. Don’t cover your weakness by turning to the over-used and over-repeated defense of man-kind. Islam has guided the way. Al-Quran has showed us how. Admit your mistakes and repent.

I came across a hadith once, if I’m not mistaken, which reads something like this
(correct me if I’m wrong) “….dan apabila seseorang lelaki itu merasa berkeinginan (bernafsu) melihat seorang perempuan, baliklah ke rumah kepada isteri mereka. Kerana apa yang dicari ada pada isteri mereka…”


I’m not a female chauvinist here. In fact, almost all my idols in life are male figures. I have high admiration for a male’s calm and quiet confidence, the magnetic charisma emanated from some of them. Their ability to make snap decision, not to mention their rational perspectives about things. Which makes them great leaders. And it’s stated in the Quran, the proof of men’s importance in building a good nation. But sadly, not all of them deserve the salutation.


To my dear friends who are still nursing their broken heart, hear my word of advice. Look in the mirror. You have everything that will make any parents proud to have you as their daughter. You make any woman proud to have a person like you as their friend. And you possess all the things that will make any sensible-minded man proud to have you standing next to him as his woman. Be grateful, consider yourself lucky to be rid of such untrustworthy man. It’s not your loss, it’s the unlucky man’s loss for not realizing your worth. Look forward for tomorrow as many great, exciting things await you in front. These men, these deceitful men deserve no second chances. Instead of cursing fate, wondering silently what you did wrong that caused the change of heart, vow to yourself that you’ll bounce higher. You’ll achieve greater success in life and love. You’ll be stronger. You will attract positive people and things towards you like a magnet. And one day, the fickle-minded guy who had once ditched you for another girl will succumb to the deepest regret of his life. Serve him right!


We are far better on our own. Much more happier and successful building life without a weak, lubricious, no-good man at our feet who cause us misery, heartbreaks and wrinkles on our forehead. We deserve to be treated with respect and honesty from the one man we love most. Not cheated and lied at like some worthless door-mat. Once the trust is broken, there’s no turning back. He had that one chance, and he ruined it. Slam the door shut on his face. Let him learn his lesson so that he won’t repeat the same stupid mistake to another woman.


And for you, dear friend…the world is waiting for you to make your grand entrance. Held your head high, smile your brightest. Someone better who is worth your love is somewhere yet to be found. In the meantime, enjoy your singlehood. Do all the things you have missed doing while you were with him. Make as many friends as you can. Spread your kindness to people around you, and feel how kindness invites more kindness. I believe, as long as we have hope, we pray hard, with good intentions…good things will come to us. Trust me.


Hmm..i feel much better. =].



A phrase from Surah An- Nisa’ ayat 19,
“ Hai orang-orang yang beriman, tidak halal bagi kamu mempusakai wanita dengan jalan paksa, dan janganlah kamu menyusahkan mereka kerana hendak mengambil kembali sebahagian dari apa yang telah kamu berikan kepadanya, kecuali bila mereka telah melakukan pekerjaan keji yang nyata. Dan bergaullah dengan mereka secara patut. Kemudian bila kamu tidak menyukai mereka,(maka bersabarlah) kerana mungkin kamu tidak menyukai sesuatu, padahal Allah menjadikan padanya kebaikan yang banyak…”


And from Surah Al- Ahzaab, ayat 35,
“…Sesungguhnya lelaki dan perempuan yang muslim, lelaki dan perempuan yang mu’min, lelaki dan perempuan yang tetap dalam ketaatannya, lelaki dan perempuan yang benar, lelaki dan perempuan yang sabar, lelaki dan perempuan yang khusyuk, lelaki dan perempuan yang bersedekah, lelaki dan perempuan yang berpuasa, lelaki dan perempuan yang memelihara kehormatannya, lelaki dan perempuan yang banyak menyebut nama Allah, Allah telah menyediakan untuk mereka ampunan dan pahala yang besar….”


..and it's Allah, The Most Gracious Most Merciful, who knows best.

sweet-blooded

Been having this frown on my face for the past few days. The two lines between my eyebrows, a sign that i'm thinking hard inside. There's something bothering me. Something that is constantly on my mind.


My mom used to say, " jika kita fikirkannya susah, susahlah jadinya.."....whenever i'm caught in situations which causes this wrinkle on my forehead. Like now. End up with me becoming so stressed out about it. Till it reaches a certain extent of being thoroughly tired. Physically and mentally. Drained inside out.


This is just the beginning of so many unknown things that awaits me in the future. This is minor compared to the rest. This is just the introduction, naz...

a writer's block ?

So much things in mind. Dunno when or where to start.

What has happened to me, someone who 2 years ago couldn’t live if I don’t blog for 2 days. Someone who amidst daily life routine as a student, my mind would still be filled with ideas and thoughts to jot down in my blog. The amazing thing was, sometimes I don’t even have to plan the writings, it happens by itself in my mind, that makes me hurriedly search for a piece of paper to write before I lose it.

There were always things that catches my eyes and stimulates my mind to write. There were things that I would see as interesting to ponder. There were always people who I would view as a great subject for my writings. The days when writing and breathing is considered not much difference. For me I mean.

But now, I don’t know why or how, the ideas are there, but the words are nowhere to be found. I would sit and stare blankly at the computer screen for some time, feeling like someone who is forced to write. Gone were the days when the words flow like waterfalls, when I need to ‘brake’ myself or else I’ll never stop.

Seriously, what's wrong with me..?

Perihal manusia

Teringat kan satu cerita ..

Dikisahkan Luqman Hakim dan anaknya berjalan merentasi kampung dengan seekor keldai. Ketika Luqman menunggang dan anaknya berjalan, org kampung berkata.." isshh, tengoklah si ayah tu, dia pulak menunggang dan dibiarkan anak yg masih kecil berjalan kaki..".

Sampai di kampung kedua, anaknya menunggang keldai dan Luqman berjalan kaki, org kampung memandang dari jauh dan berkata.." Alangkah tak patutnya si anak, dibiarkan bapa yg tua berjalan dan dia menunggang..".

Setibanya di kampung ketiga, kedua-dua mereka menunggang keldai itu, kali ini org kampung berkata pula.." lihatlah mereka berdua, sampai hati menyiksa binatang keldai itu untuk menanggung bebanan kedua mereka..".

Dan apabila tiba di persinggahan seterusnya, kedua-dua mereka berjalan kaki sambil diiringi keldai, org kampung berkata.." alangkah bodohnya mereka, ada keldai tidak pula ditunggangi.."

What do i learn from this story ?

- Antara sifat manusia - suka memperkatakan hal orang. Kita buat perkara baik, akan ada orang bercerita. Buat perkara jahat, lagi orang sekeliling mengata. Pendek kata, kalau kita sentiasa fikir apa orang akan kata, kita takkan dapat buat banyak perkara dalam hidup kita. Selagi apa yg kita buat tu tidak salah, tidak melanggar ajaran agama, pekakkan telinga dan teruskan kehidupan mengikut jalan pilihan kita. Anggap suara-suara orang sekeliling seperti nyamuk yang berdengung kat telinga. Keep ur head up, and keep moving forward.

Surah al-Furqaan, ayat 63 yang bermaksud :

"...dan hamba-hamba Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang itu (ialah) orang-orang yang berjalan di atas bumi dengan rendah hati dan apabila orang-orang jahil menyapa mereka, mereka mengucapkan kata-kata yang baik.."

- Jangan jadi manusia yang mengata dan mengumpat, bercerita hal buruk orang lain. Mama pernah kata," orang yg boleh bercerita keburukan manusia lain kepada kita, tak mustahil dia juga boleh bercerita keaiban dan perihal kita pd org2 lain ". Cuba elakkan diri dr ter'involved' dgn mengumpat. Tanamkan niat, insyaAllah..Allah akan melorongkan jalan. Apabila berada dlm kumpulan kawan-kawan yg tgh rancak mengata, try to change the topic, or politely excuse yourself from the group.

Surah al- Furqaan, ayat 72 yang bermaksud :

"..dan orang-orang yang tidak memberikan persaksian palsu, dan apabia mereka bertemu dengan ( orang -orang ) yang mengerjakan perbuatan-perbuatan yang tidak berfaedah, mereka lalui (saja) dengan menjaga kehormatan dirinya .."

- Manusia dicipta pelbagai. Ada yang begini ada yang begitu. Cara hidup yang dipilih juga macam-macam. Ada yang boleh dijadikan contoh, ada juga yang harus ditaladani. Ada sebab dan tujuan atas setiap kejadian. Belajar daripadanya.

Surah al-Jumu'ah, ayat 10 yang bermaksud :

"...apabila telah ditunaikan sembahyang, maka bertebaranlah kamu di muka bumi; dan carilah kurnia Allah dan ingatlah Allah banyak-banyak supaya kamu beruntung.."

Hmm..untuk ingatan diri sendiri yang mudah benar lupa.

love letters

Some time ago, in 2006,...

" what are u doing..?"
" im writing letters.."
" to him..?"
" yes..."
" what for..?"
" saja..."
" better dont..one day it will be an evidence.."
" huh? what do u mean by evidence.?" ( looking up from the letters )
" of something that was once there, but it ended...it will be an evidence of ur past relationships. Why leave behind a 'black-and-white' evidence ..? Just contact thru phone sj lah,...."
i looked at her in disbelief. An evidence of a past relationship..?! What is she talking about, preparing me for a relationship break ups..? How can anyone be so cynical-unromantic-pessimistic about life, more else love...haisshh....

One thing here, i never intend to end the relationship. Secondly, yes, love letters will one day be an evidence. But for me, instead of putting it as the evidence of an ugly crime tht was once commited, i see it as a memory of sthg sweet that i want to bring along with me in the future. Though we never know what God has in store for us, with the power of prayers, insyaAllah...i optimistically believe that if our intention is good, good things will come..=]

My father keeps his collection of love letters with my mom, from the first neatly-typed letter from him, to the scribbled two-lines notes which my mom would later receive in like..errmm,once in a blue moon..?? (..heh..guys, the early efforts never last ehh, i guess it fades with time.. ). It's almost unbelievable, looking at his unromantic ways, the man who's not used to showing affection in public and feelings to people. I remember my ayah tells me the journey of their love letters, how my dad decided to type his letters using the old, clunking noisy typewriter, just because he didnt want to expose his almost illegible handwriting to my mom. And i could recall the look of joy and love on his face as he entailed the memories of their love letters. He laminated the letters and keep it in a file, saying that one day he would open it and share with us and his grandchildrens, much to my mother's horrified glare at his idea. hehe..

Why do we write letters, ..? Because we're thinking of that person, feeling the sudden urge to talk to him, while at the same time having no idea what it is. Because we're missing him/her, so bad that we have to let it out by 'talking' to him through writings. And also, because we want to tell something, saying things we know we wouldnt able to say it out verbally. Something that only love letters could do to express the voices inside us.


Quoting something i read in The Sun newspaper, Feb 2007, an article by Eva Neumann " Romance in Letters',.."Feelings that are expressed in words can be re-read and re-lived ". True.

Well..i write letters. Still do. Heh..try doing it once,ppl.. write a love letter to that special someone, and see the effect it has on your loved ones...;]


" in times of crises, it can help to remind couples what their love is all about.." - Heliane Shenelle, family therapist in Cologne